brothers war

BROTHERS WAR
Rated R, 2008
Oliver Gruner, Tino Struckmann

This is a huge turd. A British observer sees the soon to be infamous Polish government officials massacre by the Soviets and is trying to get back to allied lines to deliver the news. The Russians are trying to stop him. He and a German officer escape together. Could tilt the balance of post war politics, blah, blah. This is NOT a war movie. Most of the time you didn't see muzzle flashes, or cases being ejected. Almost all of the vehicles didn't have working engines, they coasted to a stop from an incline with dubbed in engine noise ( or perhaps were pushed from behind ). The hand to hand combat was fake, unrealistic, wooden and painful to watch. The whole movie was like this. Hell, I swear the window coverings on a cottage were plastic rather than metal sheets. The chain smoking main characters didn't inhale the smoke. Everyone talked in British accents, including the Soviets and Germans. The acting was uneven, sometimes fine, other times stilted. The low budget included never having more than a squad at a time on screen. Holes in the script like the two escapees enjoying a get-to-know-you-chat by a fire which alerted the soldiers chasing them to their location. The one German soldier being spared the firing squad because he had a tattoo of the Masons. God, it was all so terrible. The pain, the pain. I couldn't even watch it all.

the postman

THE POSTMAN
Rated R, 1997
Kevin Costner, Will Patton

When this movie first came out, everyone was all bitching and moaning. Oh, gracious me oh my, this isn’t anything like the book. The book was oh so much better. Which causes two reactions from me, one being anger and the other being a question. You are simple moron that needs to pull your wide nappy head out of your anal orifice, jag off. What in the hell ever made you form such an opinion? Are you simply repeating some stupid crap you read, or has it been twenty years since you read the book and you have zero memory about what you encountered there? It wasn’t that the book was totally bad, it really wasn’t any worse than, say, a couple of guys zooming around in a motor home amongst giant mutant insects. It wasn’t bad until the end when the character goes to a state university and encounters killer robots, a sentient computer and other crap. Totally unrealistic to expect that kind of technology to appear in the first place, or to survive after the end of civilization. Of course, even with that kind of ending it was a tolerable book. But to say it was better than the movie is just plain wrong.
*
This movie had problems, it wasn’t perfect. But it made fewer unforgivable mistakes than the book did, and I thought it was far more detailed. “The Postman” is three hours long. I like that. They don’t make enough epics. Everyone wants to make quick and easy eye candy. One and a half hours, and lots of explosions and a few boobs. Hey, nothing wrong with any of that, but once in awhile it is nice to get in depth with a story. Kevin Costner understood that with “Dances With Wolves”, and I think he paid the same attention to this one, which he also directed. I don’t think Hollywood gives audiences enough credit, but sometimes they screw up and deliver an actual quality product. I think “The Postman” is the “Lawrence Of Arabia” of post-apocalypse movies. It might not be the best ever, although certainly it should be at the top of anyone’s list. And it is the only one that took time in exploring this kind of alternate world. It doesn’t matter that it only took the bare bones of the book, what matters is that it created a very believable world after a collapse. And gave it texture.
*
As I said, it isn’t perfect. Almost no one ever pays sufficient attention to logistics, it is the forest that no one sees for the trees of Petroleum Land. People seem to think National Guard units will contain treasure troves of ammunition to supply a post-apocalypse army for all eternity. Hollywood is no different. They pay brief attention to food shortage, since a world ravaged by Gore Warming obviously means crop failures. But they can’t grasp how quickly ammunition will be used up. Hell, most survivalists seem to think it will last forever and supposedly we have done much more extensive research. At one point, a village mayor complained they couldn’t fight since they only had a few rifles and only twenty rounds of ammo. Yet, the evil army dudes have ammunition to spare. They spray on semi-auto all the time. They are stealing food from towns in their territory, but obviously that is not where they get the ammo. Hence, back we go to the National Guard armory with the magical ammo urn. That must be the same place that is going to spew out the unending petroleum and natural gas that everyone thinks is going to heat their homes and power their SUV’s forever. The Magical Government Building Of Eternal Resources ( to include welfare checks that are going to buy our groceries after the oil runs out ).
*
And the end, God how the end sucked ass. Everyone is back into Magical Resource Land. They have machine made clothing, every male has shaved, endless hot water to clean with. Okay, the end is total Bull Feces. But it only lasted a few minutes, and the rest of the movie was in general strong enough to compensate for that. The movie is full of depopulation, food supplies so precarious that strangers can’t be fed, patched and homemade clothing, defensive walls around every town and the strong preying on the weak. In other words, it is portraying realistically how things are going to be. The only happy ending any of us can face is to die before the collapse. Otherwise, we are in a crap world of hurt. At least this movie comes close to portraying that. It also portrays hope and a struggle for better things. That is also realistic. Humans need hope of a better future for their children to excel and strive for better things. With no hope, there isn’t much more than mere survival. I know we are in for a worse future, but by preparing for it I am keeping some kind of hope alive. That me and mine will have a hope of living above mere survival. Ignoring a future storm is hope, but the kind that will get you killed.
*
The Postman, before he becomes such, is The Wandering Minstrel. He and his mule provide Shakespeare plays for food. While performing for a local group of yokels, evil army dudes come into the town on a recruiting drive. We’ll take our food quota, and three conscripts to go please. Now he is part of a wack jobs army. The abandoned mine pit was a cool military base, but it did seem a bit strategically unsound to me. Most personnel and equipment were located down in the pit, easy targets as in shooting fish in a barrel. And no shade, or wood around. Perhaps he was unafraid of attack since he kept up patrols and was offensive. Anyway, our boy escapes one day and manages to get away. That night, almost freezing to death, he stumbles on an abandoned Postal truck in a ravine. He puts on the uniform which is toasty warm and decides to deliver the mail from the truck, in exchange for food and shelter. At first it is all a scam but over time he comes around to the noble purpose of it, of giving hope of a restored Union and a way to defeat the evil army dudes. Of course, ask Katrina survivors how noble the Blackwater Mercenaries were. Yes, they did represent a restored Union 150 years later. But I won’t go into a tirade now. Simple truths, black and white, no reality please. At times, it was a bit too propaganda like. And there were a few repeats of “Dances With Wolves” such as the slow mo turn back to take the letter or the showing of his “8” brand to claim the right to Article 7 leadership contest. But all in all this was a great movie with the few flaws easily forgiven.
Genre Rating-a bit weak at the end but overall a very good post-apoc flick, one of the very best.
Nudity Rating-not great, but not too bad. The love interest gave a few good flashes when they spent the night together. Of course, that scene was a bit unrealistic. You don’t have a women for years and you can last THAT long? Too much candles and music but good boobage.
*Overall Rating- far better than most punk asses give it credit for. Damn fine movie, four stars, I’ll watch it another three or four times.

elektra

ELEKTRA
Rated PG-13, 2005
Jennifer Garner

I assume this was the sequel to “Daredevil”. I never saw it. And I’m not really into comic books. Some of the adaptations are just fine, others I don’t like. I don’t base it whether the comic was good, since I don’t spend $5 for a few dozen pages of color illustrations, but on if it was a good movie. I don’t think this one was very good. It reminded me too much of Chop Suey movies from the Far East. All that mythical, good and evil, magic and super natural powers. Jesus, keep off the opium pipe, you know. I had my fill of Dungeons and Dragons before I was 20. This isn’t fun Chop Suey like “Kill Bill”, more like “Crouching To Take A Dump Tiger” Chinese crap.
*
The back cover introduces us to the sexiest action hero. Umm. Okay. I personally found Jennifer to be a bit heavy on the caboose and light on the cow catcher, if you know what I mean ( if you don’t, it’s all ass and little chest ). I could be wrong, but it looked like a padded push up bra and an unnatural posture was needed to achieve the sexy part. Perhaps teenage boys like that kind of thing since she’s all ninja and they get the whole fem dominance thing going. I thought she just came off as frigid. Perhaps the whole problem was that of the typical sequel. Not as good as the original. Again, I didn’t see the first one but a lot of times sequels are real stinkers all on their own. And I won’t count on this series having another movie to redeem itself like ‘Die Hard’ and ‘Star Wars’ did. All that flash back and hallucinations and guys turning into demons and back again, super ninja moves that defy the laws of physics, etc. I mean, are we still bringing knifes and wizards to fight? Didn’t guns kind of make all that crap obsolete? I guess it’s a comic fan boy thing and I wouldn’t understand.
*
The Super Ninja Training Dude was white rather than oriental. The “love” interest ( and I use that term loosely since Elektra was such a frigid bitch-oh, boo hoo, I had a troubled childhood and can’t show emotion ) was all pretty boy with little depth himself. And certainly didn’t come across as a father. The daughter wasn’t too bad of a character. She had a bit of humor at least half the time when they didn’t have her trying out twenty different characters ( one minute teenage angst the next aspiring ninja trainee, the next frightened and helpless, then the next moment Super Ninja Protégé Fem and on it went ). The only enjoyable character really was the agent for Elektra. And the Evil Demon With Death Touch. The agent didn’t take himself too seriously, enjoyed life. The Death Touch bitch was played with passion, not just “Intense Anger” most of the others brought to the table. And at least she had a rack.
*
All in all, an experience not to pay for.

war of the worlds

WAR OF THE WORLDS
Rated PG-13, 2005
Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning

Perhaps I would hate this movie more if I had watched the 1953 version, or had even read the book. I didn’t do either, and still have enough to dislike about this film. Remembering it from my first viewing, I recalled Cruise being all wrong for the part. Which is true. He radiates Lady Eye Candy, and does a good serious bad boy role. He does not project any family feelings or parental care. He should have been the last to be cast as a concerned father trying to save his family. Some actors just shouldn’t do certain roles. Like Harrison Ford. He’s, what, like a hundred years old? And they have him as the love interest for some twenties chick in a film about crashing on a deserted island. She’s like three generations younger than him. Plus, talk about miscasting, she kind of radiates the lesbo carpet licker type. I mean, I would have believed Carrot Top could have put in a better father figure. But now that I’ve watched this again, I think I was much more irritated by all the damn screaming Dakota does through the whole movie.
*
Steven Spielberg directs this. You don’t expect literature from the man, but usually you like his movies. One of his talents has almost always being in tune with what movie goers like. Can you tell me they like a little girl screaming all the time in a high pitch? Am I that divorced from the general publics taste? Perhaps, or perhaps Steve thought she was cute enough to get away with it. Or, perhaps he had run out of Viagra and had an unsatisfactory night before he approved casting. The special effects were good, the basic story had already been written by a science fiction genius ( all you need to do is not deviate from the damn story ), so why did they have the whole “failed father makes good by the end of the movie” thing added to it? Leave well enough alone. Without Cruise, without the screaming, without the divorced irresponsible guilty dad trip, this would have been a decent popcorn film. But they had to try to pimp it up, the stupid bastards.
*
Now, besides all that, I really took exception to the Tim Robbins character. He played a survivalist, and did it very unfavorably. They overdid the paranoia, they overdid his panic under pressure, they overdid the desire to shoot everything, they made him a fat alcoholic and they even hinted around at a child molester. I know, I know, we can’t expect anything less from liberals. They are in a constant huff that we have a Constitution and we won’t vote a Commissar into office. Even with a half breed Muslim in office they complain we don’t have enough tax and spend welfare state politics. At first I was surprised they even had Tom’s character armed, this being the Peoples Republic Of New Jersey and all, but soon they used it as a morality point that guns in civilians hands are evil. Guns in the hands of handsome liberal actors are evil. In the hands of survivalists they are much worse. Child molester worse. Of course, another Hollywood favorite that just died was a molester, but I guess they made an exception for one of the inside Beautiful People.
*Genre Rating-poor. More of a disaster type.
*Nudity Rating-none. Thank goodness, I might have had to see Tom’s junk.
*Overall Rating-poor to mediocre, depending on your tolerance for screaming.